A Tip in Getting Over OCD

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I was talking to an OCD sufferer and his wife.  We were talking about all sorts of stuff.  Somewhere in the conversation, they got me into thinking about how I got over OCD.

As a quick background, I used to have OCD.  Actually, I have OCD but a little bit now.  I had OCD for 17 years.  I used to be on medication but no more.

So how did I do it?  I am not totally sure.  It wasn’t just one thing.  I think it was combination of things.  But there was one tip that I shared to the OCD sufferer.

Come up with a mental hook that you can rely on that is going to carry you through OCD.  This hook is going to help you reassure you when you go through OCD episodes.  Getting reassurance from others is not a good thing, and it doesn’t help you get over your OCD.  But if you can reassure yourself that is a different story.  The hook is an idea that you might have to create on your own.  It has to be rational and it is something you have to believe.  The idea has to give you a reason, big or small, why you shouldn’t listen to your OCD thoughts or respond to them.  Think of a reason not to do the rituals.

If you’re lazy, use it to your advantage. I am a bit lazy at times and I don’t feel like doing things, and doing rituals is one of them.  Doing rituals is time consuming and I would rather not do them.  I would rather do nothing than do rituals.  So if you’re normally lazy, be lazy with the rituals.

So when you get an OCD episode, remind yourself of that mental hook because that hook is going to remind you that you have been through this before and the hook is going to give you a reason why the OCD thoughts are flawed.  The OCD feeling may not go away right away.  You might have to withstand the full brunt of the fear but that hook is going to help you hang in there.

I had scrupulosity OCD and my mental hook was “You can’t pray based on OCD alone.”  At first, the hook sounds a bit odd but when I thought about it is sort of true.  I had all sorts of OCD thoughts about devils, spiritual contamination, 666, and ending up in hell.  Then one day I came up with this mental hook.  I was dwelling on this one OCD episode for about one or two hours, not doing any rituals, but just thinking about it.  I didn’t want to do any rituals and I was thinking of any reason not do to the rituals.  Then I came up with this crazy hook.  It sounded strange but it was sort of true.  So I asked non-OCD people about the hook to see if it made sense.  It made sense to them.  That hook became my reason to stop the rituals (well for the is particular OCD).  It was probably the beginning of the end of OCD.

Coming up with these crazy but profound ideas is nothing new.  I think Einstein came up with the Theory of Relativity just by looking about an elevator and a clock tower.  The origins of an idea may sound nutty but in Einstein’s case, he probably realized that he was on to something and he believed it.  He pursued it.  Other physicists at the time probably thought he was nuts.  Despite the ridicule, Einstein went ahead and later an astronomer proved that Einstein was right.  It is probably true for many great inventors.  They come up with a crazy idea, they believe it, they pursue it, and despite the ridicule and criticism, they were proven right.

Think of an idea, crazy or not, big or small, that will give you a reason not to do the rituals nor believe the OCD.  The idea has to be believable and it is got to be logical because it has to withstand the fear of OCD.  If you were lazy before, be lazy with the OCD.  Don’t seek reassurance from others because it doesn’t work in helping you get over OCD.  But if you can reassure yourself, all by yourself, then you have a mental anchor that will help you withstand the winds of OCD.

OCD News 5/24/14

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Here is some OCD news.  I read this a few days ago.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2633305/The-brain-implant-cured-OCD-turn-60-year-old-man-huge-Johnny-Cash-fan.html

I have heard of brain surgery used to cure OCD before.  In the book “Getting Control” by Lee Baer, there was an OCD suffer who had brain surgery to treat his OCD.  The surgery was a last resort.  The doctors had to be assured that all other therapies were exhausted.  The sufferer had the surgery and his OCD was either tampered down tremendously or gone.

On a side note, I like uplifting trance.  I have been listening to it for about 14 years.  I don’t think it made a difference with my OCD recovery however.

Then ABC aired an hour long story about OCD on 20/20 last night.  Here are some links to the story.  There are more links about the story; just Google them to see more.

http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/health/2014/05/23/teen-with-ocd-overcomes-fear-of-leaving-his-house-to-attend-prom/

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/distinction-ocd-subtypes-benefit-future-diagnosis-treatment/story?id=23842030

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/living-ocd-lifelong-battle-control-disorder/story?id=23811937

The story showed the before and after of the OCD suffers.  They were in bad shape in the beginning and 5 years later they looked pretty good.  I was surprised.  They looked normal to me.  I probably wouldn’t have noticed that they had OCD.  I think some of them were on medication and managing their OCD.

Billionaires and OCD

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Crazy title.  I couldn’t really think of a better title, but here is the logic behind it.

I read an article that described some of the interesting qualities of billionaires.  One of them was a tolerance of ambiguity.  One person remarked that OCD suffers, like perfectionists, have a low tolerance of uncertainty.  I would concur.  Germ-a-phobes, what-if sufferers, and people with scrupulosity issues probably have the same problem.  They want assurances that they are not going to get sick or not going to hell.  They don’t want to take the risk.  They want to know.  And if they cannot know they might end up doing some ritual.

It sort of made me think how opposite ends of one trait can describe billionaires and OCD suffers.

When I had OCD, I had difficultly with uncertainty.  I wanted assurances that nothing bad was going to happen and that everything was going to be OK.

Now, I can handle it pretty well.  I run a photography business and I manage some pretty expensive projects.  A lot of things can go wrong.  That by itself would drive people nuts.  Normally, people would want some assurances that they are not going to lose money if things go wrong.  It is nice to think that there are guarantees in life, but in reality nothing goes quite as planned.  I had a model go sick on the day of a photo shoot.  I didn’t pay the model but I wasted some money because of the missed day.  C’est La Vie.  That is the way it goes.  What can you do. All I can think is to try again.

When I go on a trip, I always forget something.  It could be anything; I wouldn’t know until I am well into the trip.  The only things I do double and maybe triple check is that I have my cameras (I have two of them) and some photo gear.  If I forget small things like toothpaste, I could go to CVS or Walgreens.  But if they are both cameras, I am somewhat screwed.  I could actually go to a photo rental place and spend a lot of money for the rental but I would rather not do that.

I try to minimize the risk but you cannot eliminate them.  It could be a very cloudy day.  It could be a very windy day.  The model might get lost or stuck in traffic.  All sort of things can go wrong.  The reason I do it is because I have a vision and I intend to accomplish it.  But I digress.

On another note, I am also a software engineer and I involve myself in some pretty big projects sometimes.  I am just one person in someone’s project, or vision.  There would be investors pouring money in the project.  And there are times when things don’t go right.  The algorithm doesn’t work out right.  Somebody else dropped the ball and the whole project falls apart.  Trying to apply for a bid, and in the end, the customer goes with another product.  The customer is not sure to go with the product or not.  There is a lot things that are beyond my control.  I can just do my best and cross my fingers that down the line the project goes into fruition.

On another note, I used to be a germ-a-phobe about 20 years ago.  I used to wash my hands all the time.  I don’t do that now.  Recently, I recent to my favorite Mexican restaurant with family.  I could have washed my hands prior to eating but I didn’t.  I could have used my hand sanitizer but I didn’t.  I think I was sort of lazy.  I handled the two dirtiest things in the restaurant – the menu and my cell phone which I brought.  Regardless, I ate my food with my hands.  Did I need guarantees that wasn’t going to get sick?  Apparently not.  And guess what?  I didn’t get sick.

So billionaires can tolerate uncertainty and OCD suffers may not be able to.  I guess knowing that there is uncertainty in the path of success might be helpful in convincing yourself (cognitive therapy) that you don’t really need guarantees all the time in order to get it right.

So you think you have OCD but afraid to ask for help

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When I had OCD, I don’t think I knew it was called OCD.  I just had these obsessive thoughts and compulsive rituals.  It would impair my normal life at times.  When I saw my doctor I was too afraid to admit that I had these thoughts and odd behaviors.  I just said I had anxiety problems.  The doctor would give me some SSRIs and see what happens.  The funny thing was that the doctor figured out I had OCD.  I saw it in his notes.

So you think you have OCD but too afraid to ask for treatment?  You might feel that there is a stigma associated with OCD.  Who wants to admit that you have a mental disorder?  You try to hide your OCD problems from your friends, family, and co-workers.  If they knew, they might think you’re nuts.  You would deny to everyone that you’re a mental case and probably deny to yourself that you have a mental illness.  You would have no problem admitting other ailments such as heart problems, a broken leg, appendicitis, melanoma, etc, but not OCD.

If you have obsessive thoughts, do compulsive rituals, and they impair your life, you have problems.  You might have OCD.  Openly talk to your doctor and admit to your doctor that you might have OCD. Don’t be ashamed to admit it to your doctor.  Seek treatment.  Seek help.  OCD is one bad mental illness and it is really tough to get over it.  You’re not doing yourself a favor by deny it to yourself.

Don’t think that you can reason or think yourself away from OCD.  Actually, you can but if you know nothing about OCD you really not equipped to handle OCD.  Don’t expect OCD to just go away.  It usually doesn’t.

OCD is a strange disorder.  It is purely irrational but yet we are compelled to do weird compulsions and have these fearful obsessions.  Normally, we should have neither.  But for OCD suffers, OCD is present throughout the day, almost every day.

My suggestion:  Recognize that if you have OCD, you have OCD.  Don’t go into denial.  Seek treatment, Go see a psychiatrist and a psychologist who specializes in this stuff.  (If you meet a doctor who says to just stop thinking these thoughts, move on to a different doctor.  Also, if you meet a doctor who criticizes you for not remembering your dosage of a medication taken ten years ago, move on to a different doctor.)  Read books about OCD.  Understand what you’re up against.

What do I recommend?  What are my observations?

  • Psychologists are not cheap.  They may charge $200 per hour.  Actually, that is cheap because if you take the out-of-pocket cost of seeing a family doctor (about $75/per 15 minute visit) and extend that to an hour ($300/hour), $200 per hour is cheaper than $300 per hour.
  • Understand the difference between psychologists and psychiatrist.  Psychiatrists prescribe medicine.   Psychologists don’t.
  • Read “Getting Control” by Lee Baer.  Good book.  Another book that many people swear by is “Brain Lock” by Jeffrey Schwartz.
  • Just an observation.  Even though you might see a psychologist, it is really up to you to do your homework.
  • Learn about ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) and cognitive therapy.
  • Don’t expect a cure from OCD.  Excluding myself, I only know two other people are practically over OCD.  Most people who I know just manage their OCD.  They are usually on medication and they have learned to manage their OCD.  I have heard that there is no cure for OCD.  I almost believe that because I get OCD thoughts once in awhile but they are so weak and infrequent that I can just easily ignore them.
  • Even though a cure is debatable, there is hope that you can get over it.  Including myself, I only know of three people who are over it.  One went to a clinic and she was over her OCD in a matter of months.  She said that it was a very scary experience.  I think she had a lot of ERP therapy at the clinic.  Another person switched to a different prescription (a non-SSRI), and his pure O thoughts were gone.  Before he had constant violent thoughts and once he tried the drug, his pure O thoughts were gone.  (I tried the drug and it did nothing for me.)  I used a combination of the ERP and cognitive therapy and kept at it for about year until finally my OCD thoughts tapered down.  I don’t take medication anymore.
  • Don’t kid yourself.  I have met some OCD suffers who are in bad shape.  I can just tell just by looking at them.  They don’t look good.  They are usually not on medication.  They have their reasons for not taking medications.  Some prefer the natural way.  Some are suspicious about taking drugs.  Some would take the medications and days later stop taking them probably thinking that the drugs are not working.  (The medications usually takes months to take effect, not days.)  It is nice to think that we don’t need to be on medication but I think there is a time when it is a good idea to be on medication (I got on medication after my mental breakdown).  Moreover, my mother could tell if I was having an OCD episode just by looking at my eyes.
  • Never go cold-turkey on your medication.  This very important.  If you do, you might suffer bad withdrawals.  There is one drug that if you just stop taking it, you might go into seizures.  On other drugs, if you stop taking them, you might get flu-like symptoms.  I stopped on one of my drugs one time and my head felt very strange.  If you get into a situation when you are about to run out of your medication and your unable to get a new prescription before you run out, go to urgent care and hopefully the doctor can prescribe you enough medication to get by.
  • OCD treatment is not a perfect science.  I don’t think anybody knows how a person gets OCD.  A bad upbringing was disproven.  What seems to be known is that OCD might be passed down by genetics and that OCD seems to afflict people with higher-than-normal IQs.  There is one known cause: There is a step throat infection that causes OCD.  Understanding the dynamics of OCD seems to be well known.  How the brain reacts is known.  How a person behaves are known.  However, there is no sure fire method to cure OCD.  Drug treatment involves trial-and-error.  What works for one person may not work on another.  ERP is probably the most effective method to get over the fears.
  • Medication affects people differently.  Unfortunately, there is no one magic pill that cures all OCD.  Some drugs work on some people and doesn’t on others.  If you’re new, very likely you’ll start out with a certain drug, wait for a few months, and then see what happens.  Sometimes, a drug might produce adverse side effects.  (I took one pill and I was dizzy shortly afterwards.)  After many months, if a drug doesn’t seem to work, you’ll probably switch to another drug.  It is a lot of trial and error.

That’s it.  There is probably more stuff to write.  I hope this information is hopeful in knowing what to expect when you’re seeking treatment.

Scrupulosity Killer

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I had this idea for some time.  So I decided to write it…

I had scrupulosity for way too long.  But now, I am over it.  I am done with it.  I still have OCD thoughts now and then, but I just ignore them and move on.  (It is important to move on as much as you can.  Ignore them or just deflect them.)

There was one notion that I believed that helped me get through scrupulosity.  And here it is:

– You cannot pray on OCD thoughts alone.

I came up with this notion during one of my OCD dwelling.  (I used to dwell a lot whenever I went through my OCD episodes.  Instead of doing rituals, I tried to figuring a way out of OCD without doing rituals.)

So what does this mean?  Let’s say you want to pray.  It takes concentration and deep thought.  You’re making an effort to pray.  There is some coherency.  There is usually a reason to pray.  There is usually a rationale to do it.

Now, take OCD.  They are random thoughts.  They are unwanted thoughts.  There is no rhyme or reason.  There is no coherency because they are random.  When I mean random, I mean random.  You have no control.  The thoughts just happen.  Unpredictable.  You really cannot plan OCD.  OCD is irrational.

So how in the world can you pray based on random thoughts?  You would have no idea what you would be praying for.  You may not be praying.  You might be thinking about who would win the next football game.  If they are random, then it is like gibberish.  Gobbledygook.  Random is like noise.  It is like listening to someone who changes the subject twenty times in one minute.  You wouldn’t know where the person is going in the conversation.

So how can you pray based on OCD?  Your mind might go blank with no OCD.  Then again your mind might be flooded with unwanted thoughts.  So how can a rational person pray on unwanted thoughts?  Usually a rational person would pray using wanted thoughts.  Usually when you pray you want to convey something.  I have never heard of a prayer when you don’t want to convey something.

So when your OCD thoughts are going off the deep end thinking of the most outrageous things, just remember – it means nothing.  It is not a prayer.  It carries no weight.  It is noise.  It just scares you, because you thought about it.  The thought is not real.  It is an unwanted thought.  When I mean unwanted, I mean nobody wants it.  Nobody wants the responsibility of it.

Before I end, I have another belief that might be helpful.  Here it is:

– The devil cannot do anything unless God allows it.

So if you think God has got your back, then don’t worry regardless of any of your OCD thoughts.

OCD Flashback

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One day I had the TV on and not really paying attention to what was going on.  I was probably doing something else like cleaning the kitchen.  A hockey game was showing.  I was not a hockey fan.

Then I heard the announcer say a hockey player’s name, sah-tahn.  Then I looked at the TV screen and saw a hockey player’s jersey with the name SATAN on the back.  He played for the Buffalo Sabres.

His name is Miroslav Šatan.  He is Slovakian.  I think his name is pronounced shah-tahn.

I don’t know what I did back then when I saw this.  It probably set my OCD off.

I thought I heard somebody say that he played for the New Jersey Devils.  Actually, he didn’t.  What if he did?  If that was the case, there could have been New Jersey Devils hockey jerseys with SATAN on the back.  That could have been a good OCD exposure just to wear it.

On an odd note, if you go to the SI website, his hockey info is that the URL http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/hockey/nhl/players/666/.

I don’t know why I am laughing at this.  Two years I might have been dreading this due to my OCD.

I don’t know if this is true or not but I guess Šatan early in his hockey career was ordering pizza and the pizza guy asked how to spell his name.  So Šatan said S-A-T-A-N.  This made the pizza guy upset and hung up.

OCD Flashback

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A few years ago, I was invited to a relative’s wedding in Thatcher, AZ.  When I got there, I saw Mt. Graham at a distance.  I could see what I thought an observatory on top of the mountain.  I knew there were observatories on that mountain.

I heard about these observatories using a technology called the Large Binocular Telescope Near-Infrared Utility with Camera and Integral Field Unit for Extragalactic Research, or also known as LUCIFER.  So during the wedding, the thought about the LUCIFER telescopes nearby were in the back of my mind.

So after the wedding, I checked out my pictures that I took.  I took 333 exposures.  But I set up my camera to produce a jpeg and a raw picture for each picture taken.  So I actually produced 666 pictures.

About a year or so later, I visited my relative’s house.  He’s sibling was wearing a T-shirt that had 666 on the shirt.

That is my OCD story from long ago.  I would still visit my relatives.  The whole thing is just coincidence.

Just remember – OCD is bio-chemical too

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I almost forgot to mention that OCD is a bio-chemical problem too.  Not only is it irrational but it is a bio-chemical problem too.  If it wasn’t a bio-chemical problem, then why are there many OCD suffers taking SSRI medications?  So before you think that there are dark forces out to get you, just remind yourself that OCD is irrational stemming from a bio-chemical problem.

That’s about it.

666 License Plate Alert!

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I just thought about sharing this.  Somebody told me about seeing a license plate on the road.  The plate said “VIVIVI”.  “VI” is a Roman numeral for 6.  So it says 666 in Roman numerals.

I thought it was sort of funny and clever.

No, nothing bad happened.  The sky didn’t fall.  The tires didn’t go flat.  It was just an observation.

Scrupulosity : Looking at the bigger picture

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Scrupulosity is one tough nut to crack because this OCD plays on your religion and beliefs.  The OCD takes religious belief and makes you believe that you’re a sinner.  And if your doing something sinful, then you’re going to hell.  So the OCD response is to do some ritual in order eliminate the possibility of going to hell.  Who wants to go to hell?

If you suffer from scrupulosity, one suggestion:  OCD is a total lie.  It is totally irrational.  Just about all OCD is totally irrational.  Hence, don’t believe it.  OCD could make a saint believe that he is a sinner and that is going straight to hell.  OCD is a known mental illness.  Scrupulosity is just one facet of OCD and OCD comes with many facets.

Before I had scrupulosity, I didn’t worry about going to hell.  I screwed up a few times but wouldn’t regard them as really bad.  I was pretty square.  I tried doing the right things.  I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone.  I wasn’t having evil thoughts.  Life wasn’t bad. Then one day, bam!  The scrupulosity thoughts came.  I think at first I was able to handle the thoughts, but the thoughts were incessant.  It lasted days and it broke me down.  OCD happens to the best of people.

Well you might say something like, “Well scripture says this so that means that what I am doing or thinking must be a sin.”  Or you might be saying, “I have unwanted thoughts about the Devil all the time, therefore I must be a sinner or condemned to hell.”  Or, “I see 666 all the time and everywhere, so it must be sign.”  First, you shouldn’t listen to OCD, not just scrupulosity, but all kinds of OCD.  Second, since your shouldn’t listen to OCD, you shouldn’t jump to conclusions from OCD.  Third, if you have OCD, your probably looking at the world through an OCD lens.  The way your looking at the world is probably very different from what a non-OCD person sees.  Basically, both the OCD suffer and the non-OCD person could look at the same thing but have a two different conclusions.

Here is what I mean about the OCD lens.  I used to fear 666 and 616.  I have already written blogs about this.  I used to see 666 all the time.  In one day, I think I saw it 6 times at different places.  I thought that this cannot be just coincidence but a sign.  This was how I looked at the situation through an OCD lens.  I was looking for meaning.  I didn’t consider coincidence as a possibility.  How come I am seeing these things and nobody else sees them?

Guess what happened? Nothing.  Zip.  Zero.  Nada.  I made the mistake of discounting coincidence.  The notion of signs and meaning was flawed.  OCD made me believe some irrational conclusions but at the time the conclusions seems logical.  This whole 666 thing wouldn’t faze normal people.  If 666 occurred 6 times in a day, they might find it an odd occurrence but they wouldn’t think that something is up.  They are not going to look for signs or meaning.  To them, they just saw 666 6 times, that’s all.

“But I am thinking about the Devil all the time.”  Or, “I have thoughts that I am selling my soul to the Devil all the time.”  “It must mean something if I am having these thoughts all the time.”

To offer some perspective, there are some OCD suffers who are pure O’s.  These people have unwanted thoughts all the time in every waking moment.  Some of them have violent thoughts.  They have thoughts about murdering people, raping people, and stabbing their loved ones.  But they are not murderers, rapists, or violent people.  They are not criminals.  They are probably law abiding people.   Some of them are parents.  They just have these thoughts.  They would rather not think about these things but they have them.  Their thoughts are uncontrollable.  It is all OCD.  OCD is irrational.  It produces random thoughts.  There is not logic to it.  It’s a mental disorder.  It happens to good people.  You shouldn’t make any conclusions about your character in the midst of OCD.  Just because the pure O’s having violent thoughts doesn’t mean they are violent people.  They are probably good loving people who are just afflicted by these thoughts.

OCD can happen to good people.  It does not mean they are bad.  They just have OCD.  Scrupulosity is not all that different.  It happens to good people for no reason.

So, don’t buy into OCD.  Don’t trust it.  OCD, including scrupulosity, is going to make you believe all sorts of stuff, none of it good.

I hope this helps.