Category Archives: OCD

Scrupulosity : Looking at the bigger picture

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Scrupulosity is one tough nut to crack because this OCD plays on your religion and beliefs.  The OCD takes religious belief and makes you believe that you’re a sinner.  And if your doing something sinful, then you’re going to hell.  So the OCD response is to do some ritual in order eliminate the possibility of going to hell.  Who wants to go to hell?

If you suffer from scrupulosity, one suggestion:  OCD is a total lie.  It is totally irrational.  Just about all OCD is totally irrational.  Hence, don’t believe it.  OCD could make a saint believe that he is a sinner and that is going straight to hell.  OCD is a known mental illness.  Scrupulosity is just one facet of OCD and OCD comes with many facets.

Before I had scrupulosity, I didn’t worry about going to hell.  I screwed up a few times but wouldn’t regard them as really bad.  I was pretty square.  I tried doing the right things.  I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone.  I wasn’t having evil thoughts.  Life wasn’t bad. Then one day, bam!  The scrupulosity thoughts came.  I think at first I was able to handle the thoughts, but the thoughts were incessant.  It lasted days and it broke me down.  OCD happens to the best of people.

Well you might say something like, “Well scripture says this so that means that what I am doing or thinking must be a sin.”  Or you might be saying, “I have unwanted thoughts about the Devil all the time, therefore I must be a sinner or condemned to hell.”  Or, “I see 666 all the time and everywhere, so it must be sign.”  First, you shouldn’t listen to OCD, not just scrupulosity, but all kinds of OCD.  Second, since your shouldn’t listen to OCD, you shouldn’t jump to conclusions from OCD.  Third, if you have OCD, your probably looking at the world through an OCD lens.  The way your looking at the world is probably very different from what a non-OCD person sees.  Basically, both the OCD suffer and the non-OCD person could look at the same thing but have a two different conclusions.

Here is what I mean about the OCD lens.  I used to fear 666 and 616.  I have already written blogs about this.  I used to see 666 all the time.  In one day, I think I saw it 6 times at different places.  I thought that this cannot be just coincidence but a sign.  This was how I looked at the situation through an OCD lens.  I was looking for meaning.  I didn’t consider coincidence as a possibility.  How come I am seeing these things and nobody else sees them?

Guess what happened? Nothing.  Zip.  Zero.  Nada.  I made the mistake of discounting coincidence.  The notion of signs and meaning was flawed.  OCD made me believe some irrational conclusions but at the time the conclusions seems logical.  This whole 666 thing wouldn’t faze normal people.  If 666 occurred 6 times in a day, they might find it an odd occurrence but they wouldn’t think that something is up.  They are not going to look for signs or meaning.  To them, they just saw 666 6 times, that’s all.

“But I am thinking about the Devil all the time.”  Or, “I have thoughts that I am selling my soul to the Devil all the time.”  “It must mean something if I am having these thoughts all the time.”

To offer some perspective, there are some OCD suffers who are pure O’s.  These people have unwanted thoughts all the time in every waking moment.  Some of them have violent thoughts.  They have thoughts about murdering people, raping people, and stabbing their loved ones.  But they are not murderers, rapists, or violent people.  They are not criminals.  They are probably law abiding people.   Some of them are parents.  They just have these thoughts.  They would rather not think about these things but they have them.  Their thoughts are uncontrollable.  It is all OCD.  OCD is irrational.  It produces random thoughts.  There is not logic to it.  It’s a mental disorder.  It happens to good people.  You shouldn’t make any conclusions about your character in the midst of OCD.  Just because the pure O’s having violent thoughts doesn’t mean they are violent people.  They are probably good loving people who are just afflicted by these thoughts.

OCD can happen to good people.  It does not mean they are bad.  They just have OCD.  Scrupulosity is not all that different.  It happens to good people for no reason.

So, don’t buy into OCD.  Don’t trust it.  OCD, including scrupulosity, is going to make you believe all sorts of stuff, none of it good.

I hope this helps.

How I got over my OCD and some suggestions

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I wasn’t sure if I was going to write this, because I am not sure how I got over my OCD.  But recently some event got me thinking.  I realized that there were a few things that did happen that might have contributed to my recovery.

Note that I don’t think I am fully recovered.  I still have unwanted thoughts and some compulsions but very few.  For intance, my psychologist wants me to check the front door only once.  I am compelled to check the door twice.  For some checkers (people to check things multiple times), checking things twice is a huge improvement.  Regardless, I am trying to check it once.

Even though I don’t consider myself totally recovered, life has been great.  The bulk of the OCD that I carried for 17 years is gone.  I used to think and do the craziest things.  I put the brakes on that insanity.  Life after OCD is great.

So did I do it?  Here are some pointers and suggestions.

  • I thank my parents for not buying into my OCD thinking.  My mom and dad knew about my OCD and I would ask them OCD questions.  Their responses were the same.  One, nothing bad is going to happen.  Two, it is all irrational.  Three, none of it is real.
  • There was a day that something clicked.  I remember asking my dad an OCD question.  I don’t remember what the question was but it probably had something to do with questioning an OCD event.  My dad said that it was irrational.  For some reason that clicked.  My dad has been telling me for years that it is all OCD and irrational but for some reason on that one day it clicked.  My new thinking was, “If it is irrational, then what’s there to worry about?”
  • I have been taking coconut oil with my oatmeal for the past 3 years now.  I saw on Dr. Oz that coconut oil was good for Alzheimer’s.  So I figured if it affects the brain positively for Alzheimer’s, it might be helpful for OCD.  Alzheimer’s and OCD are both mental disorders.  Who knows.
  • I think you have to do it all yourself.  I was fortunate to have a psychiatrist, not a psychologist, who used to run an OCD clinic.  When I learned about this, I was telling him the most craziest thoughts.  He wasn’t fazed.  He heard it all before.  I thought I was unique with my OCD, but I wasn’t.  Whatever OCD problems I had before the doctor’s appointments were gone afterwards.  However, the OCD thoughts would come back later on.  So the point I guess is that you might have the best doctor but it is up to you to get well.
  • I used to dwell a lot about OCD problems.  The interesting thing about dwelling is that I wasn’t doing compulsions.  Basically, instead of doing compulsions, I would think about the OCD event or thoughts.  I would dwell for hours, maybe days.  I was wondering if something bad was really going to happen.  Now, some the thinking behind dwelling might have been illogical, but I wasn’t doing compulsions.  In the end, there were a few times that would do compulsions, but there were other times I would stick it out and not do compulsions.  For instance, I bought a new phone but I had a bad thought when I bought the phone, so I thought my phone was spiritually tainted.  My OCD response was to return the phone and buy it again.  But I didn’t do that.  Instead, I would dwell on it.  I was thinking of reasons that it wasn’t spiritually tainted.  I would ponder on this for days.  Well the grace period to return the phone expired (14 days).  I still have the phone for over a year now.  To me, it is just a phone.  Whatever worries I had with the phone is gone.
  • More on dwelling, there were a few times that I deduced that for a given OCD event, nothing was going to happen.  The reasoning behind the dwelling might have been  illogical, but at the time it made sense to me and it gave me reason not to do compulsions.  The reasoning helped stop the rituals.
  • Hang on to your dreams.  If you have goals in your life, pursue them as much as you can and don’t let OCD stop you.  OCD may slow you down and cast doubt in your thinking, but don’t let it stop you.  I have heard of people who are afraid to leave the house just avoid their fears.  For me, staying home was not an option.  I had things to do and I was going to do it regardless of OCD or not.
  • I am going to go against one of my psychologists with what I am going to say.  Make rules to put a lid on OCD.  For instance, I had a rule called the drive rule.  In the drive rule, I can ignore whatever OCD thoughts I have when I am driving because I need to concentrate on the road, not on my OCD.  Whatever OCD thoughts I had when I am driving are ‘nullified’.  I also had the trip rules – ignore OCD thoughts while on trips.   When I think about it, it actually make sense.  Moreover, you should ignore OCD thoughts period, not just when driving or going on trips.
  • Detect OCD-ish situations.  I can detect when certain things were OCD or not.  When I have a thought, I can tell if it is an OCD-ish thought or not.  It is more of a feeling.  If it feels like OCD, then very likely it is OCD.  If I detect an OCD-ish thought, I second guess whether I do should anything in response to the thought.  If you can sense OCD, rely on it.  If you can sense OCD, you can also determine what is normal.
  • If you’re going to do any kind of compulsions or rituals, consider saying to yourself that it’s irrational.  So instead of checking doors 50 times, going in and out of doorways or bath tubs 10 times, washing hands multiple times throughout the day, turning off and on the computer until your feel right, and so forth, just say yourself that is irrational.  Say it 10 times if you have to.  I started doing this a few months ago.  Whenever I was compelled to do a ritual, I would say to myself that was irrational and try not to do the compulsion.  It got to a point that saying “it’s irrational” was a ritual.  I wouldn’t feel satisfied or assured until I said “it’s irrational”.  I was saying “it’s irrational” multiple times during the day.  It is true in saying that OCD is irrational.  At least if your going to do a ritual, it might as well be true and realistic.  Now, I don’t say “it’s irrational” all that much because I don’t have to.  Either I don’t have the thoughts or it is automatic that OCD is irrational.

That’s it.  No mystery drug.  No nouveau therapy.  It’s mostly cognitive therapy and a little exposure therapy.

Cognitive therapy is easier but requires a lot of reasoning and deduction which is probably not easy when you have OCD.  OCD might cast doubt in your reasoning.  OCD is going to compel you do something.  Think the OCD over but don’t do any compulsions or rituals.  Because if you do rituals, you just obviated cognitive therapy.

Exposure therapy is tough but necessary.  Exposure therapy tests me that I have no fear of the things that trigger my fear.  For instance, I had a fear of 666.  I would see 666 on license plates and on phone numbers.  Just driving to work is a form of exposure therapy.  By driving to work, there was always a chance that a license plate or a phone number might appear.  If I saw it, I would have to tough it out.  What am I suppose to do?  Turn around and go home?  Not an option.  Just venturing outside the house is a form of exposure therapy.  I never knew what I am going to see outside the house.   Now, 666 barely bothers me.

Don’t buy into OCD.  Don’t defend it.  Don’t find excuses for it.  OCD has no value.  OCD is 99.999% worthless.  I know that the assurance can be gratifying but it comes with tons of grief.   For me, OCD was perpetual fear.  When you’re in perpetual fear, of course going to seek assurance.  The assurance is no excuse to defend the OCD madness.

That’s it.  I hope all this helps.  I know that there are many facets to OCD and my suggestions may not be helpful.  But I think there might be a few OCD suffers who have similar problems that I had.  If it helps, great.

Scrupulosity

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Scrupulosity, I think, is one tough form of OCD to contend with.  The thing with scrupulosity is that it is not tangible but a concept.

Other forms of OCD such hand washing or counting things involve something tangible.   You can confront your fear by doing or not doing a physical action and over time you would realize that nothing bad is going to happen.  For instance, if a person doesn’t wash his hand for a day, the hand-washing sufferer might realize, after prolonged angst, that he is not going to die.  The proof is in front of your eyes.

Scrupulosity on the other hand involves total belief.  For me it was this idea that if I did something wrong, something bad might happen, like going to hell.  I had other forms of OCD which coupled with scrupulosity like the fear of hitting someone when driving.  So for instance, if I heard a sound and thought I might have hit someone, I would be compelled to find out because if I didn’t and I did hit someone I might go to hell.  I believed this.  In my mind, the only way to find out if I am going to hell or not was to die.  Drastic isn’t it.  So why take the chance?  I did whatever in order to prevent myself from going to hell.  In a nutshell, it was the fear of going to hell.  Who wants to go to hell?  Trying to convince me that I wasn’t going to hell was a tough nut to crack.  How do you prove that a person wasn’t going to hell?   Just to make sure, I was doing things to prevent myself from going to hell.

Ironically, I was already in a form of hell.  My life miserable trying to do all these rituals.   I was tiptoeing around a moral minefield.  One wrong move; I would be going to hell.

So how did I get over this?  I am not sure.  One year ago I used to think this profusely.  But now, I don’t think this at all.   In retrospect, there are a few things I learned.  You really don’t know if your going to hell or not.  No one knows.  My suggestion:  Just be a good person and enjoy life.  If you screw up, just ask for forgiveness and move on.

To those trying to understand OCD…

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On occasion I would meet people who don’t have OCD try to offer ideas to OCD suffers on how to get over them.  They might say something like, “Just don’t do compulsions.”  Or, “Just think something pleasant instead.”  I know that they are trying to be helpful but I don’t think they understand the grip OCD has on someone.

Other times, I would meet parents trying to understand what their child who is suffering from OCD is going through.  They know something is wrong but they don’t understand it.

So here is my explanation of my OCD from a person who has had it for 17 years.  Note that there is different types of OCD so my explanation may not be applicable to you.

In a nutshell

OCD is a very different kind of animal.  If you don’t have it, it is tough to understand it.  Much of OCD is nonsensical and irrational.  OCD for me was like worrying, what-if’s, doubt, fear, and repetitive thoughts run amok.

OCD is not like a cold or the flu where the affects last a few days.  OCD can last months, even years.  For me OCD was a daily problem that lasted years.

In retrospect, OCD was irrational.  But talk to me two years ago, good luck in trying to convince me that there is nothing worry about.  The worry and fear were so strong that it was influencing my behavior.  What you’re dealing with is someone’s flood of irrational thoughts and feelings.

The repetitive thoughts were no help.  They fueled the fear.  The repetitive thoughts were practically uncontrollable.  The thoughts just randomly happen.  There is no rhyme or reason for them.  The OCD thoughts would bring fear because I feared what I was thinking.

My parents knew I had OCD.  They tried to convince me that there is nothing to worry.  They knew what set me off.  I knew my parents were normal.  Getting from where I was with OCD to where they were without OCD was not easy.

OCD is a mental disorder.  There is no rhyme or reason for it.  It is not because you had a bad childhood.  OCD is not a sign of weakness.  I think if a ‘strong’ person suddenly got flooded with a fearful thought that repeated itself for days, I think that person might breakdown after a couple of days or realize that something is very wrong.  There is really nothing you can do to prevent it.  It can happen out of the blue.  Some people say that it is genetic.  Neither of my parents had OCD however.

Even though OCD was compelling me to do irrational compulsions, I never really bought into them.  I never accepted my thoughts.  I always knew that something was wrong.  I never lost sense what normal was.  I was able to discern between real feelings and OCD feelings.  But I had the hardest time ignoring my thoughts and getting over my fears.  OCD was being attacked in two fronts, from my parents and myself, but OCD was still able to stick to my mind.  OCD was very gripping.  It was relentless.  OCD stopped me from doing what I wanted to do.

There you have it.  My OCD in a nutshell.  It is hard to make sense of OCD because much of it is irrational.  You can’t reason with it.  OCD makes no sense.  If you’re affected by OCD as a parent or spouse, this maybe is what you’re up against.  You’re up against irrational feelings.

But not all is lost.  This is hope.  I had OCD for 17 years but now life without the bulk of OCD is great.  It is like finally living life again.  I can’t really say that there is a cure for OCD.  I still have the thoughts now and then but I ignore almost all of it.  On occasion, like once every two weeks, I catch myself doing compulsions.  This is a lot better than before.  I was doing about 50 compulsions per day for years.

Getting over the fear of 666

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(If you typed 666 in Google search and you managed to get here, congratulations in having the courage to type 666 at all.)

It took awhile for me to get over 666.  Now I don’t think much about it.  If I see it, so what?

Talk to me 2 years ago, it was a different story.  If I saw it, I was looking for a meaning and wondering if it was a sign.  I would dwell on it for awhile.  Would it jinx the rest of the day?

So how did I get over it?  I am not sure, but I think it was a combination of the exposure and cognitive therapy.

So here is a list of things that might be helpful:

  • Just like my previous post, let it happen.  Don’t respond to it.  Don’t do rituals.  Don’t undo anything.  Don’t do compulsions.  Tough it out.  If you keep doing this, you’ll probably realize that nothing is going to happen out of the ordinary.
  • Don’t believe in jinxing or spiritual contamination.  666 does not affect anything.  If 666 was written on a piece of paper and taped to the wall, the wall is not jinxed, spiritually contaminated, or just plain evil.  Nothing is jinxed or evil.  Not even the paper.
  • If something did happen, it has nothing to do with 666.  It is called coincidence.  Coincidences do happen.  Coincidences are not unusual.  Luck is coincidence and it happens all the time.  So is bad luck; it happens all the time too.
  • If you are dwelling on it, there is really nothing you can do except let the thoughts play itself out and just try to convince yourself that it means nothing.  The quicker you believe nothing is going to happen, the quicker you’ll assure yourself that everything is going to be OK.  It is one thing to seek assurance from others, but it is quite another to assure yourself all by yourself.
  • Don’t think what if something bad is going to happen.  Don’t wonder if something bad is going to happen.  In retrospect, all that thinking was worthless.   Nothing bad did happen.  OCD casts a lot of doubt in the head.  Don’t buy into the doubt.

I know that it is a lot easier said than done.  You just have to keep confronting the fear.  I know that OCD feels so real.  The OCD feelings are so strong that it throws logic out the window.  You just have to go against the OCD feelings or just try to ignore them.  You have to get throw the OCD feelings out the window.

In the past, looking at 666 would strike fear.  Now, I don’t think much of it.  I have gotten desensitized of it.  It is like opposite ends of the spectrum.

So you think you ran over or hit somebody?

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I have used to have this fear.  I would be driving along and suddenly something would make me think that I might have hit someone.  It might be something on the corner of vision.  It could be some sound.  It could be a bump on the road.  Could it have been someone?  What was that sound?  Did I run over someone?  So what would I do?  I would turn around and check it out.

I would look around.  Nope, no bodies.  But what was that?  What was that sound?  Did I hit someone?  What did I do?  I would turn around again.  And again, nope, no bodies.  I would do this over and over again until I was convinced that I didn’t hit someone.

At one time, my OCD was so bad that I went around in circles for about 3 hours.

Well, I don’t do this anymore.  Actually, I do it rarely.  So how did I do it?  Well, there are two ways.  (It seems that I have to out smart my OCD).

The first trick is to record your driving.  Get a dash cam for your car.  Use your Android phone or iPhone to record video of your driving.  First, you need a dash mount.  Verizon has this neat dash mount that mounts on your dashboard, not on your windshield.  It uses suction to stick on the dashboard.  The mount has these tongs that grab on your phone.  Just swivel the phone to point to the front of the car.  And drive away.  So if you think to hit someone, just check the video.

At first, I was checking the video all the time.  I would stop the car and check the video.  I wouldn’t turn around.  I would just check the video.

Over time, I was checking the video less.  At times, I would hear or see something that would trigger my suspicions that I might have hit someone, but I’d move on and check the video when I finished my trip.  Sometimes, even though I would be wondering if I hit someone early in the trip, but I sometimes forgot to check the video at the end of the trip.

Now, I drive a lot while recording video, but I don’t usually check the video at all.  There are times that I forget to mount the phone on the dash mount and drive away.

The advantage of recording your driving is that you’re not driving around in circles, you save gas, and you save time.  Some therapists may not agree with this solution because I am not exposing myself to the fear of hitting somebody.  Well it works for me.

Another trick is to check the local news web sites after you think you hit someone.  Let’s say you’re driving and you think you hit someone.  Instead of going back and look for dead bodies, just keeping going home.  You might dwell on your fears on your way home but try to ignore them for now and keep going home.

Now, once you’re home, wait for about a 3 hours.  Now, if you’re still dwelling on the thought of running over somebody, go to your local news web site, type in the corner streets where you think you hit someone in the web site search engine and see what pops up.  Very likely, nothing pops up.  If nothing pops up, assume nothing happened.

Just keep doing this.  Over time, you might forget about looking it up in the 3 hour wait time.

The idea behind these tricks is that you would forget about looking it up on your smartphone or the local news web site.  Certain things might trigger your OCD while driving, but you shouldn’t be impulsive by turning around and checking for dead bodies.  Just keep on going and delay your impulse.  Who knows – you might forget all about your impulse.

If you want to use your smartphone, I would recommend a getting a Samsung phone with a 64GB microSD card.  Video takes up a lot of memory, so getting a large capacity microSD card is a good idea.  I am not sure if there are non-Samsung phones that have an external microSD slot.  Otherwise, you going to end up having to delete video files on your phone quite often.

If your microSD card fills up while on the road, do not attempt to delete video files while driving.  You’re making a big mistake if try to do so.  Pay attention to the road and wait to delete the files when your trip is over.  Safety first.

I hope this helps.

To those who fear 666…

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I used to fear 666. I have OCD.

I would see 666 in license plates often.  I was issued a new credit card with a 666 security code.  There is a billboard for a local law firm with the last four digits 6666.  There is a taxi company in Vancouver with the phone number 666-666-6666.  I filled up the gas tank and the amount of gas pumped was 6.666 gallons.  Read the drudgereport.com web site and there is going to be news story having to do with 666.  I had somebody call me with a phone number having 666 in the prefix code.  Then there is the usual buy something at a store or restaurant and the total is $6.66.

Other crazy fears:

  • Fear of 616. Somebody found some ancients scrolls of the Book of Revelation in Egypt. According to the scrolls, the number wasn’t 666 but 616. I used to have a fear of 616 too.
  • Fear of 10:16 am. 10:16 am is the 616 minute of the day.
  • Fear of 11:06 am. 11:06 am is the 666 minute of the day.
  • Fear of 6:06:06 am/pm. One way of looking at 666.
  • Fear of 6:16 am/pm. One way of looking at 616.
  • Fear of 7:06 am/pm. 7:06 am/pm is the 66 minute of the 6 hour.
  • I used to fear the number 6.

Because of these of these crazy fears, there were things I wouldn’t do. For instance if it was 11:06 am, I would stop doing things fearing that if I do something at the time, whatever I am doing would be jinxed. I wouldn’t start a trip on 11:06 am. I wouldn’t drive in the house driveway at 6:16 pm. I would be reluctant to meet people if I met them at 6:16 pm. I wouldn’t get out of bed at 7:06 am.

To get over the fear of 666:

  • Let it happen. If you see 666, just let happen. Don’t ritualize. Don’t do compulsions. Don’t walk away.  Just let it happen. You’ll probably find out that nothing is going to happen.
  • Keep reminding yourself that seeing 666 doesn’t mean anything. It is not a sign.  it is just a number.  (There is no such thing as signs.)
  • If you see it, it is just coincidence.

If you keep reminding yourself of this, you might get over the fear of 666. It is going to take time. In the end, you’re just going to look at it and that’s about it. You’re not going to do anything out of the ordinary.

By the way, all that 666 stuff with the phone number, license plate, etc.  Nothing bad happened.  And if something did happen, it is just coincidence.

Now, I sort of don’t care what time it is.